Grieving Comforts of a Life You Once Had Sounds Like…
by Astrid Ferguson
Golly!!! Doesn’t it seem like 2020 is the year that just keeps on giving, huh? And not like Christmas time gift giving, where we pass around gifts and share our best spreads. I mean the year that just keeps on giving SHIT. Holy smokes! Let me get these few complaints out.
This year feels like no matter what we try, we just can’t seem to get our lives together. Nothing seems to be working out the way we expected, right? Let me paint the picture for ya. Imagine yourself finally getting around to doing your hair (because it really has felt like quarantine is going to last forever) and uhhhh the dryer burns up or none of your curl rods stay snapped in place. Now what you thought would only take you thirty minutes is now taking two and three hours! Or maybe you’ll like this example better:
You are cleaning your house. Yes, like you are digging in, putting in some elbow grease. I have been binge-watching The Home Edit on Netflix by the way, and I totally feel seen. Okay back to what I was saying… So you are whipping out the Clorox wipes, gloves, vacuum, getting the house in order and you turn around to see your toddler pee on the carpet.
Yes, I know right?! It stings right?! Yes, it stings and your stress level just increased a few notches. If it did, you and I are kindred spirits.
That is how 2020 has felt for me. So let me unpack this load of crap so we can feel lighter and begin to choose joy again.
First Phase: WTF is happening?
You feel so detached from it all, you simply don’t know how to react. You ask yourself, “am I being punched?” Like did I read too much into the Spanish Flu or maybe I watched Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio and accidentally manifested this whole COVID ordeal? Whatever it was you are wishing things got back to normal although, you subconsciously realize how much you need a break. That is until they say the kids will need to be homeschooled, daycare is closed, and all your favorite shows resemble conversations in your grandma’s kitchen you secretly detest. Your nail shop is closed until further notice. Legends (people we highly lookup to), we lost quite a few of those this year: Kobe Bryant, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, John Lewis, loved ones we highly esteemed are just a few people I can think of. Remember Kobe and his daughter Gianna [Gigi]? Wildfires in Australia was on high. Suddenly, people are dying like flies around the world due to COVID-19 so many jokingly said was just a bad flu. It just feels like a shit show and you are hoping it is just a really bad joke and it can stop now.
Second Phase: Panic Attack Coming Right Up!
Just in case the above wasn’t bad enough, bring on the layoffs. Yeah baby! There is nothing like having no toilet paper, stuck with kids, trying to make masks out of anything you can find, and being unemployed while the entire US is unemployed with you. That is exactly how you planned to spend this year when you were writing down you set your resolutions. Don’t worry if you were worried about medical benefits, bills, food, and career—that makes two of us. I was laid off right at the beginning of the COVID storm. While I kept saying there is a silver lining in this, the truth is, inside, I was dying. I felt like a sense of identity was taken from me. I have always provided for my family, and in this case, the only thing I was thankful for is being married to someone who was considered an essential worker. I know you are saying, “but you can collect unemployment.” Welp, yes. However, unemployment in comparison to what I was making didn’t even equate to 40% of what I was making. So thank the universe for savings and side hustles, along with a few bottles of unopened wine and hair dye. I mean a few weeks of being home with kids, you start to forget the difference between leisure pajamas and casual clothing. All of a sudden, everything just starts meshing together. You can’t tell your days apart and you find yourself grieving society, restaurant food, and the life you once knew.
Third Phase: My Life Has Ended, Moment
You know it’s bad when the kids start to get depressed. There’s only so much screen time, video games, and Cheetos these fridge destroyers can take before temper tantrums for both children and adults spiral out of control. It reminds you of the moment right before you pushed their behinds out your vagina that you screamed bloody murder. You just wanted the pain to end immediately! So you start picking up hobbies hoping it’ll help you cope. You quickly begin realizing why it was not in the tarot cards to become a teacher he-he. So you do weird shit like knit a scarf in the middle of May. You have never shown interest in knitting but at this point rocking in a chair, weaving through those endless loops instead of poking your kids’ eyes out with the wooden needle brings you temporary satisfaction. Anything to help you escape at least in spirit the environment around you. That is until you receive the call that your mother or closed relative has tested positive for COVID—yikes!
Fourth Phase: Accepting Life Will Never Be the Same
You order your set of cute, matching Etsy face-masks for yourself and the family. You go for runs at the park to get some sunlight. You visit a few family members after quarantine is lifted for like ten seconds while practicing social distancing to honor the policies. You think, “okay, we can deal with this.” Then you turn on your tv. Now we have hornets, rioting/protests for BLM, more innocent black people shot and killed by police and racism is even more predominant. If you’re like me, it doesn’t surprise you, because in a sick way, this was the first taste of normalcy since COVID. It was a reminder that normality also comes at a cost. That cost begins to weigh heavy with cases like Breonna Taylor a 26-year-old black woman EMT killed while sleeping during a police-botched raid of her home. George Floyd died as a result of a police officer kneeling on his neck for more than eight minutes for paying with counterfeit money. Ahmaud Arbery was killed while jogging (at least there was a conviction in this case). Vanessa Guillen a young hispanic woman was hammered to death while on base, which is still under investigation. So many more cases but I think you get my point that they are all innocent black and brown people who are no longer with us today. The grieving sets in really hard at this point and you can’t even begin to explain why when asked. All you can say is you’re tired, it hurts and you wish this wasn’t our stories to keep repeating to our children. The story that their skin color will play a role in how the world will see and treat them. I desperately wanted to believe that this was limiting belief however, it is hard to call it limiting when you keep seeing and experiencing reminders. My prayers are with the families of all our wonderful lost souls.
Fifth Phase: You Want to Give Up
Nothing is moving—not even you. You have seeped so low into your couch it has a hole in it. You can’t seem to get yourself in gear. You feel uninspired. You don’t see an end to homeschooling and you have completely lost interest in social media. You’re so tired of your phone you wish you could throw it out the window. Except you get a notification that prevents you from following through with your original thought. Now you’re stuck in the vertex of The Social Dilemma (which is another great documentary on Netflix) of mindless scrolling. And in the midst of all of this, we have a presidential election, you still haven’t landed a job and oh yeah, homeschooling might be a thing until 2021.
It sucks!
It seems impossible to keep going doesn’t it? It really seems unbearable until you start addressing your thoughts.
See the power in all of this is that everything I painted above is out of our control. We cannot change the world around us singlehandedly or in a day. But what we can change, is how we react to it.
Take time to repeat:
My feelings are valid
My life matters
This moment matters
And I am grateful to have this moment with those I love
Final Phase: Breakthrough
You start to raise your energy. Get realigned, and you start understanding that everything is not meant to be digested or understood. We are all connected in some way and grieving is something we are feeling in some way. We can be kind to one another but not before we are kind to ourselves. Let go of the worrying. Practice tuning out all things that don’t serve you so you can show up recharged and better than you were before. You can always choose joy and it’s never too late to start.
Feel free to share this message with a friend who may be in great need of these words. Stay safe and remember curiosity didn’t kill the cat; it broke the collar!
