How Living Between Purpose and Responsibility is Not Always a Clear Transition

by Astrid Ferguson

The Beginning…

When you're young your parents (my parents) always said, "Pick a career where you make lots of money." I was one of those kids that spent so much time daydreaming. I invented stories and so many tales in my head, a thousand times a day. I memorized lines from my favorite Disney movies, The little Mermaid, Cinderella and The Sleeping Beauty, to name a few. I used to think I had a disease, like something was really wrong with me. I was never good at drawing. Then again, I only took one art class and enjoyed pastels and mosaic art. I really did enjoy computer art but they only offered one class of that too. I was always drawn by music so much so, I decided to join the school band. I was one bad mama-jama with the clarinet. Then I also wanted to become a ballerina. I signed up for a dance school (Bronx Dance Theatre, I believe, can't remember the exact name) in the Bronx and I remember my father, showing up at the school and yelling, "She will not be returning!" 

He never bothered to ask me if this is what I wanted to do. I basically had no say in the choice of my career. My father said there was no money in dance. My chest collapsed meeting my feet. And honestly, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to become a ballerina, after learning the shoes are not pointy. Walking on the edge of our toes nails was a teaching requirement.

Ouch! 

Talk about a reevaluation of a dream.

Considering, maybe ballerina wasn't for me; I couldn’t help feeling trapped in this dream world. Band (another passion of mine) I excelled in middle school and then; we moved. Pennsylvania became my new home and band classes were offered early before school started. That would involve my mom dropping me off in the morning. No school buses ran that early in the morning. Obviously, that wasn't going to happen. My mother had to be at work by 6am and I sure as hell wasn't asking my step-father. For reasons, I will not include in this blog for now. I had so many aspirations and creative outlets. I felt I just needed time and the opportunity for them to develop. Unfortunately, my parents didn't want to hear about creativity. They wanted to see me excelling academically and go after what they considered, the best route (the money, the green). So I did just that_ focus on my academics. Focus on the safest route.

The Simplest Choice Never Seems Simple At First

As a kid I changed my mind 100 times. My thought process was, " What do I enjoy doing and how can I make a lot of money doing it?" No one ever said do what you love except the teachers who also complained about their salaries. So I decided to go to college. Why? Because it seemed like the obvious choice. The only thing clear to me was, I didn't want to end up like my parents. I didn't want to work a dead-end job and complain every day about how hard my life is. After being a student at Reading Muhlenberg Career & Technology School I quickly realized how much I enjoyed my computer class and loved, loved my teacher (Mrs. Baller). That’s when the lightbulb came on—I decided a computer programmer is the job for me. She (Mrs. Baller) saw my potential and pushed me to do more. I thought I finally found my career. Until I went to college and failed my programming class at Kutztown University. I struggled hard understanding how to create programs but my arrays and buttons never worked. I quickly realized I wasn't going to become a great programmer like I thought originally in high school.

FUCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!

So I had to change my major. This time I decided to go for business administration but I wasn't ready to give up on computers. Why? Because I knew there was money in that field and I kinda liked it. I began learning a great deal about myself in college. I didn't do well in large class settings, where huge lines formed near a mic to ask a question. So I transferred to a technical college, DeVry University, and graduated with a bachelors degree in business information systems. Ironically, I didn't end up in the IT department, and I never programmed a single thing. 

Becoming Good At Something You’re Not Passionate About

I started my career as an Intern in the branded products marketing department of a generic pharmaceutical company. I hated marketing classes in college. However, in the real world (at least in pharma), it wasn't so bad. So I decided to apply for a full-time position and ended up in the expenses/reimbursement section of the company. I was really good at building reports and talking to the programmers, I guess that is where my degree came into play. That is how my corporate career began taking shape. It wasn't so bad at first, I always had a particular respect for math. Believe it or not, English/literature was my weakest subject. One of the biggest reasons why I never considered majoring in creative writing.

Isn’t that ironic?

Now we fast forward, I have worked in the pharma industry since I was about 21 years old. Almost twelve years later, here I am, questioning if this was right for me (insert shaking my head emoji here). While I have worked really hard to get to my Senior management title, I dread doing the same cumbersome calculations for the rest of my young life. Getting bored easily, is a very common trait amongst creative individuals. I read that in an article once.

After publishing my first book in March 2018, I realized that I enjoyed writing books. I enjoy performing (although, I had to overcome serious stage fright) and I love the idea of being my own boss. However, I don't enjoy the idea of being a broke boss, so I am just stuck in this dilemma of money versus passion. Developing a passion into a career is tough (extremely hard). You doubt yourself when you see others excel so smoothly. You start to doubt your abilities, similar to my story of becoming a ballerina. Except this writing I developed unknowingly. I kept journal entries since I was a kid to practice my English, that later turned into a personal collection of bad poetry. 

Then The Big R Word Pops Up Again, Responsibility

Many would say screw it and just go after your dreams. Chase after it and don't look back. Yea I guess I could? Then I look at my two children whom I must feed and a house to uphold. My husband is also trying to pursue his dream. So if we both quit our jobs; I'm not sure how we would feed our children and keep a roof over our heads. Until I figure it out, I will be living in this space, where professionally I have excelled but I don't enjoy what I do. Along with, developing a passion that I enjoy but can't flourish at maximum speed. My days consist of constant organizing. Making sure I force myself to prioritize my profession because it pays the bills. Finding little pockets thorough-out the day to feed my creative thoughts and export something onto the notes section of my phone. Sometimes, I have to sacrifice sleep if I want to write.

As a working-mom you really don't have much time for yourself. Imagine trying to balance all of this with a one and a ten year old. I would love to spend hours writing poetry, developing new blogs, researching better avenues to market my book Molt, and possibly open my own company. Just like anything else, my creativity hangs by a short thread. The thread that every time I try to cut loose the scissors stop working. I hope the day will arrive where I can find the perfect formula and turn my passion into my dream profession. I don't want to continue as a creative living between the horizons__ maybe today will be the day. Are you a person living in an in-between lifeish state? Are you stuck between a rock and hard place like I am? I'd love to hear what techniques you use to expand out of this place, as I struggle to find my exit.

Fast Forward to Today…

To think I wrote all those words above while I was in the cusp of a transition. You can hear the pesky limiting beliefs jumping out of the page. You can see I was transitioning but deeply doubted my potential. It was after I wrote the words above (two years ago) that I realized, I needed to find my purpose. I decided then to invest in myself. I paid over $12k to obtain my professional life coach certification. Yikes! That was a lot of money at the time.

However, I would pay every penny all over again to be where I am today. It was through life coaching that I found my calling. It was showing up confused, discombobulated, and scared to death that I finally listened to my calling. Sure, there were bumps along the way. Sure, I wanted to give up and of course I had no idea what I was doing.

But you know what?

That was the fun part of finally learning that I was becoming the boss of my life. And I want YOU reading this to do the same. Don’t give up because it gets hard. That is part of the journey. Trust the process, trust yourself, trust me when I say you will make it!

Now tell me in the comments if you are finding yourself in the middle of a transition? Do you know someone who may need these words of encouragement?