Why Don’t We Ask Enough Questions?

by Astrid Ferguson

This hit me one day as I was speaking to a friend of mine and she said, “You are like a private investigator with all these questions. Why can’t you ever just take the given information and run with it?” I paused for a second as I started to feel my blood boiling. I have been practicing staying in my ZEN mode and reacting less to things. It is a challenge nonetheless, but it works wonders for my heart and high-blood pressure. So, prior to responding, I put on my coaching hat and asked myself two questions: 1. Why does her question bother me, and 2. Why do my questions bother her?

Naturally, I responded with another question, “Have you ever asked yourself why you didn’t ask a question when you had the opportunity?” and then when she gazed at me, she said, “I do ask questions. Are you insinuating that I don’t ask any questions?” I responded, "not at all." So naturally I asked her another question, “So what about questions do you find offensive or interrogatory?”

She sat with my question and said, “I guess it’s because you always ask so many and my instinct is to say that’s enough questions for the day.” So I kept on with my questions, I said, “and where have you heard that’s enough questions for today?” She gave me a long gaze and said “I have been told all my life that’s enough questions or wasn’t given the opportunity to ask questions.” I was getting ready to ask her another question but instead I decided to ask a very strategic close-ended and counterintuitive question “That couldn’t have felt very good being told to stop asking questions, huh?” She said, “No and you just made me realize I do the same thing to my children!”

Suddenly, she had a ton of questions and was ready for an on-the-spot coaching session. You know friends always do this to me now that they know I am a coach. I wonder why that is? Ha-ha

That was a joke. Continuing with my story…

I held the space for her and finally responded, “questions are like breathing, it’s a human condition. It’s how we learn, it’s how we empathize with others, it’s how we create deeper conversations just like this.”

She said, “I’m glad you didn’t just snap on me.” Although she had no idea I was two seconds away from going into straight ogre mode, I’m glad I kept my cool. In most situations like the one I just shared; we interpret situations as something they’re not. We run with the interpretation of any given situation and react in unkind ways. We feel attacked and that angers us. There are moments when we repeat poor behavior patterns we learned along the way. 

I am not here to say that I am a saint. We all have our moments and getting angry is not a bad thing. However, if it’s a tendency to hit below the belt when angered, then maybe it’s not the most intuitive emotion to tap into during sensitive moments. Asking questions can feel counterintuitive because maybe we weren’t asked the right questions or worse, we haven’t been asking enough questions.

I came across this article from Harvard research called how to make counterintuitive tricks to ask better questions. It is a great read if you’re trying to up level your questioning game. Questions are a great tool for building better communication and listening skills. Helps us pivot from the natural knack of spewing our points of view to asking more thought-provoking questions. In the end it helps us distinguish if the story we’re telling ourselves is true. In this case I felt attacked by my friend and found her question offensive. However, after asking her a few questions she noticed for herself that she told herself that I was interrogating her. My questions were from a place of curiosity. I wanted to learn more about what she was working on. Somehow, my inquisitiveness got lost when she began complaining about the hours worked to complete the project and felt unappreciated at work.

I share this story because as she reflected, I also had a minute to reflect on her question. The reason her comment bothered me is because I was always told growing up that I can seem intimidating with all my questioning. I’ve also heard all of the following statements:

“I should know the answer”

“I am asking a dumb question”

“I am wasting time asking all these questions when I could be working on something”

“I think I know it all”

“I need to just do as I am told”

Which are all harmful and silencing statements. Then people wonder why I live in my head sometimes, ugh! Anyways, let's not make this about me. So, we live with these negative statements in our minds and begin to project our hurt and guilt onto others. If we are not careful in recognizing these patterns, we can easily feel misunderstood or create communication barriers with those around us. It is not uncommon to feel a little edgy when we are being asked a ton of questions. We feel pressured to know the answers and it makes us uncomfortable. 

If you want to know a little secret, lean in and listen closely. Knowing everything is also a myth. No one has all the answers so give yourself permission to say things like… “that’s a good question, I don’t know the answer, but I will do some research.” It’s also ok to have follow-up questions. You don’t need to ask all the questions or know all the answers. You just need to ask the right questions and answer honestly. Understand when to ask an open-ended question and how to frame a close-ended question. Sometimes, framing a question negatively gives the other person permission to answer honestly without appearing offensive. This is especially useful when dealing with sensitive subjects and children. How I did with my friend above when she realized she has been told to stop asking questions all her life.

Communication is a skill we learn. No one becomes good at it without practice. So, practice and ask more questions. Practice framing your questions, to get answers to all those inquisitive thoughts brewing in your mind. Curiosity is healthy and the mind is always hungry for new information. Ask yourself, would you rather leave a conversation feeling good about all the information you gathered or resentful because you felt you didn’t ask enough questions? I think it is safe to say that, when most relationships fail people wish they asked more questions beforehand. Now tell me; do you find yourself asking too many questions or not enough and why?