Top 5 Essential Boundaries For People Pleasers in The Workplace
by Astrid Ferguson
Full disclosure, I still struggle with setting boundaries. My culture is part of the reason I struggle with setting boundaries. As an Afro-Latina woman, I was raised to serve, serve, serve and ask for very little in return. The key component in my childhood lessons was to please others. You know, sit in the sala (living room) making very little noise, not asking for anything even if I was parched or starving, and being volunteered to do things for all of my mother’s friends without being asked. It is an expectation in my Dominican and Haitian culture to help the culture consistently. If not, I was considered an embarrassment to the family and a sell-out to my country. So it is completely understandable why I—and other women of color—struggle with setting healthy boundaries.
This is not to say that people of other cultures or diverse groups don’t struggle with setting boundaries, because many of us struggle in this area. It really comes down to our priorities and what we consider most important in our lives. So you might be thinking, “how can someone set healthy boundaries if they struggle setting them?”
I am glad you asked, my friend. The first thing you must do is…
Define Essential Personal Boundaries
Before you can set boundaries in the workplace you must set personal boundaries. I would begin by asking yourself the following questions:
What personal habits would I like to improve?
What are some personal essentials I need in order to be fully present in my professional and personal endeavors?
What are the bare minimum essential boundaries I need for my physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing?
What are the ideal essential boundaries I need for my physical, mental and spiritual wellbeing?
What action am I willing to take today to meet a medium between my bare minimum and ideal essential boundaries?
Setting Clear Personal Boundaries
Once you have answered the above questions you can start mapping out answers to how much sleep you need, foods you ingest, must-have environmental necessities to keep you motivated, and hard stops to keep you accountable. A great way to begin is by setting non-negotiable sleeping hours, lunchtime, workout times, and other personal necessities you need. The keyword is that it is non-negotiable. Don’t do the, “well I can always move my lunchtime if needed.”
I have gotten better with taking lunches and being more consistent with my workout schedule. I block out time on my calendar so others cannot schedule things on my calendar. Limiting access or having a specific structure in the way clients access you are also great ways of setting clear boundaries. Once you develop consistency in your personal essential boundaries, you will be able to set boundaries in your professional world more easily. Setting clear personal boundaries will help you set strong professional boundaries because you have already practiced this skill.
Communicate Boundaries Upfront
One of our most common struggles is assuming how the other party will feel about our boundaries. We assume the person’s response before making the ask. If you are a people pleaser or avoid conflict (like me), you probably tend to negate your own needs while making others’ needs a priority. Typically when the topic of boundaries comes up during my coaching sessions, clients share the following sentiments:
“I don’t like making people around me upset so I’ll just do it and take a later lunch.”
“I am feeling burned out from all these back-to-back meetings, lack of sleep, and pulling 15 and 16 hour workdays just to stay on task with my own work.”
“I feel like I have no control over my time or schedule.”
“I feel like I am constantly under a fire hose.”
“I am tired of always getting the short end of the stick.”
“I can’t take time off.”
Most of my clients who share these sentiments have strong work ethics and value their jobs. Some of their common core values are integrity, professionalism, and family. If you resonated with any of the sentiments above I am assuming these may also be some of your core values as well. My clients want to excel in their professions so they are laser-focused on goals. However, at what cost? It has been proven in countless studies that productive employees are happy employees, but it is imperative that boundaries are communicated upfront.
If you have children in sports, communicate what times you will be unavailable. In case of emergencies discuss how employees can contact you. Turn off your work computer so others can’t access you via instant messenger or email. Remove your work email from your phone so you are fully present in your personal relationships. These are some ways in which you communicate a boundary of your availability and set yourself up for success. Remember the keyword is non-negotiable. Don’t be afraid of using that masculine energy, my friend! Remember all energy levels are needed.
Delegate When Necessary
Often in the workplace we feel like asking for help or delegating a job will take away from the value we provide clients, co-workers, etc. So many of us truly believe that we must do everything. This becomes very apparent in motherhood. We think we must cook, clean, work, parent, and do it all well. Some of us may feel ashamed about hiring a housekeeper or a nanny. I know I was definitely one of them. Partly because my mother would say things like, “Why can’t you handle everything? I did. Why do you need to hire someone to mop your floors?”
Feeling like we have to constantly justify why we need to set this boundary can lead to enormous feelings of guilt and resentment. I say, release the guilt because it is clearly not serving you, my friend. Hire help and delegate before the stress becomes unbearable. If you want to be more present with your kids or need to crank out an important project, hire a housekeeper that weekend. Think of it this way, would you rather do the laundry or something more productive? Sometimes, hiring someone can provide you with the freedom to do more things you enjoy. So give yourself the break and delegate what you need. It can be the helping hands you need to show up as your best self in other more important areas of your life. No shame and no guilt! Just do it, my friend!
Take Time Off
Last, but not least, take time off from everything. Unplug and dedicate time to yourself. Ask yourself, “what do self-care and self-compassion look like for me?” If you can schedule your time off at the beginning of the year, even better. This way your employer has ample time to prepare. We all go to work every day to pay for the lifestyle we enjoy. So why not start with what you enjoy?
Rest is essential to become more productive and well-rounded employees. It is in moments of rest that we become our best creative geniuses. So enjoy that margarita, eat the cheese pizza, and become a beach bum. What does it matter what others think as long as you refill your cup of needs?
Now tell me: what boundaries do you struggle with setting? Feel free to share tips that have worked for you in strengthening some of your boundaries. As I have mentioned before, I still struggle in this area. I’ve come a long way as a recovering people pleaser but still have a long way to go. I can assure you, you are not alone in this abyss of boundary-setting mayhem. If you want to talk through this and maybe discuss it further, say yes to a free consultation with me. I’d be happy to chat.
