Why Do We Give Strangers The Power of Our Worthiness?
by Astrid Ferguson
This topic came to me as I was connecting with my inner child. I was sitting down to review the ASQ of my son’s 48-month checkup, and it read, ‘Fine motor skills fell below the cutoff, and speaking to a professional was recommended.’ I know!!! Very unsettling to say the least. There was also this comment, ‘He often says he’s scared or sticks to himself, he can walk and climb well just not as fast as the other kids.’
At that moment I felt this uneasy feeling creep up my spine. At first, it was denial, followed by anger, concern, sympathy, and finally a little shame. My thoughts were as follows:
What does this mean?
They’re just picking on him because he’s always been a very cautious kid.
Why are they comparing his speed to the other children’s?
Is that even something to speak to a professional about?
I thought the real concern is if he can do it.
Is this another attempt to label my child because he is of mixed races?
Maybe he has bad anxiety because he does say he is scared often.
I should call his doctor and get to the bottom of this before it morphs into a cognitive disorder.
I should have worked with him.
I should have been more attentive.
Did I really do all I could to help my child’s growth?
What have I done with my son during this pandemic while home complaining about unemployment, pouring into my coaching business, and looking for a job?
This is probably my fault for not being the best mom to him possible.
I should have known better.
I am capable of being a better mom.
This is partly my fault!
I thought, “Holy smokes!” My thoughts and emotions were everywhere over this little sentence. I said, “What is going on here? Why am I putting all of this unnecessary pressure on myself over what a stranger wrote on his ASQ chart? I mean, she is not entirely a stranger. She is his main daycare teacher. Why am I questioning my abilities as a mom? Why am I allowing this ASQ to define my son’s abilities?”
While it is completely normal for our monkey brains to take over, self-sabotage is something I have always struggled with. So I did a little digging and went down nostalgia lane. I started revisiting my recorded thoughts and even childhood pictures. This is why journaling comes in handy. I noticed this continuous voice creeping up inside of me reflected my mother’s voice. I was allowing the opinions of others to dictate my value and self-worth. I’ve heard, “You’re not good enough” all my life. My first language is Spanish (bueno Dominican Spanish para no confundir) so I mispronounced words in English often.
The first time someone mocked me while presenting caused me to develop serious stage fright. I think it attributed to my fear of speaking because I still think I will say something wrong. My mother was very strict and had an obsession with cleaning everything. I remember the white glove check because everything had to be perfect. She would yell if I only washed the dishes when she said to wash the dishes. What she meant was to clean the kitchen when she said, “Wash the dishes.” So naturally, I grew up with this insecurity that nothing I do or say is good enough.
So why do we give strangers the power of our worthiness? Well, simply put, our worthiness is fragile. I say fragile because in different areas of our lives we feel confident and strong. Furthermore, in other areas, we grow co-dependent on outcomes as the prime definition of our abilities to do things. Both are needed and the balance of both is essential to our existence.
So you may be asking yourself, “What can I do about this now?”
Develop self-awareness
Determine what is no longer serving you
Take action
Develop self-awareness of your thought patterns by doing an inventory check with your inner child, as I did. Revisit old journals, pay attention to the songs you listen to, the conversations you have with others and yourself. That will tell you more about your thought patterns than anything else. Write down your initial reactions to different situations. Consider revisiting some previous situations or conversations and ask the other person for their feedback. The more awareness you gain, the more conscious you become of subconscious thought patterns. This is why I decided to create the Redesigning, Realigning, Rediscovering Me journal. Don’t worry I’ll let you know when it’s out for sale. Until then, grab the 30-day free sample.
Once you have established self-awareness, it’s time to start reframing thoughts that no longer serve you. Let go of familiar pain points. It’s not about the damage but more about the lessons learned. I can’t say that my mother was intentionally trying to hurt me. She was trying to make an overachieving, responsible, and thorough person out of me. That drive actually helped me develop a good work ethic. However, it was up to me to balance that masculine energy with my feminine energy. I am not defined by the people around me or the things I do. I am only defined by what I choose and what I say I am.
Take action by simply choosing to react differently. I decided to advocate for my son while still researching to ensure this wasn’t something concerning. I watched my son and noticed it is more of a personality thing. He is a cautious kid and needs to feel things out first. He’s not going to sign up to be the mayor of the town. I also consulted his doctor who said, “Children are still learning language so I’m scared is a general child’s response. Most times they’re not really scared, they just don’t know how to say I’m busy doing something else.”
In case you have a toddler and are dealing with something similar—professionals are usually needed when children can’t do something. Speed or agility is not necessarily something to be concerned with unless it’s due to a health issue. So you can breathe again. This is not some new theory of a new cognitive issue, he-he. You are doing a great job as a parent and this hiccup is not a reflection on your ability to parent them.
Now it’s your turn. What areas in your life do you find yourself giving strangers the power of your value? Let me know in the comments or book a discovery call to chat. If you’re in the self-awareness step—don’t forget to download your FREE 30-day journal. Look out for the pop-up box. Bye for now!
