Why is our self-esteem co-dependent on the outcome of accomplishments?
by Astrid Ferguson
I was having this conversation with a friend of mine—unfortunately, not in a coffee shop drinking coffee and eating a bagel. The way this pandemic has us set up, it was more like via Zoom while whisking together scrambled eggs with cheese. She began by telling me she had been feeling anxious and off-balance. Naturally, I said to myself, “oh boy, let me put on my coaching hat.” Swiftly, I put the eggs on my plate and poured myself a cup of camomile tea with a lemon wedge and honey.
I asked her if she wanted to explore those feelings deeper. She said, “Girl, let me lay on this couch and pretend we’re in a therapist's office.” She shut the door to her office and we began to explore her thoughts, emotions, and actions. As she spoke, I started to notice her energy levels dip whenever she talked about things that weren’t working out as expected. She felt like she should be more accomplished. Sometimes, she felt she unintentionally settled for things because they were the only option available.
It was when I started asking probing and clarifying questions that we started to get to the meat of the issue. Underneath her constant worry and lower energy vibes, there was this agonizing need to reach the goal, secure the bag, have the fancy title for her to feel accomplished. It is almost as if feeling good about who she was depended on the end result of her goals. Notice I didn’t say completing her goals.
I felt this was a major breakthrough because I noticed—ironically, it’s the same reason I highly esteem her. She was a mere image of who I aspired to be. She was so organized, involved in her community, a great mom, highly established in her career, and driven. She was my real-life idol because I never had a mentor or idol growing up. However, I valued these things because it was what I felt was missing in me. While our friendship has grown and became more than that, I came to this realization through our conversation. Sometimes, we feel unworthy because we don’t have some fancy title, overflowing bank account, or big house to show for it. Having these things are great and living an abundant life is always the goal. However, how we feel about ourselves should not be dependent on the outcome of our accomplishments.
So what’s beneath the surface of this thought process? Where did we learn this co-dependency from? Well, I am no therapist, but after speaking to many of my coaching clients the following seemed to be the most common reasons:
Our Parents Attributed Good Behavior As a Result of XYZ
Would your parents say, “Why can’t you just be a good child and do what you’re expected to do?” Or did your parents only cheer you on or say they’re proud of you after winning that sportsmanship trophy, making the Dean’s list, or receiving that Best Student Of The Year certificate? No worries, this describes most of our parents. I can admit I have been this parent with my own children. So trust me, you are not being judged. It is a normal reaction to be this way because we have been groomed this way for a long time. Some of my clients share during their coaching sessions that they felt like a failure when they wouldn’t meet x expectation by x date growing up. They felt less accomplished and often defeated because they didn’t accomplish XYZ. This is a result of self-esteem being co-dependent on external expectations. Most of them didn’t realize this was a learned behavior until they were made aware of their unconscious thought patterns through deep core energy coaching.
Our Current Work Environment
We spend 4o+hours at work and with people from all different walks of life. If you work at a place where raises and bonuses are co-dependent on your performance, quality of work, and ability to surpass minimal annual work expectations, you have unconsciously accepted the quality of your work is defined by a performance scale. Anyone who worked in HR or has managed a team understands that there are many factors included in performance reviews. Sometimes, there are external factors like company budgets that do not allow managers to accurately assess employees with higher ratings even if they deserve it. There simply isn’t enough money in the budget to do so. I know many will be infuriated by this statement and might even call it company politics, and I understand it’s unfair. However, this is very common in work environments where competition is fierce and overachievements are encouraged. This is especially accurate in departments where it is very results-driven, such as sales e.g. So if you want to move away from this type of thinking, you might want to switch departments or industries. It’s never too late to start anew, my friend. You can always choose differently.
Our Relationships
This one is especially important. I have learned through coaching that the close friends you keep should be the people you aspire to become or the energy you wish to preserve. So it is important to ask yourself, “Why am I friends with this person or that person? Do I only keep friends around because of the job, title, network, or net worth they have? Do they hang out with me for those reasons? Why am I in the relationship I’m in? Why am I seeking a significant other? Do they complete or compliment me?”
The purpose and values of our relationships (romantic or non-romantic) can definitely inflate or deflate our self-esteem. It’s important to understand that people change, friendships change and allowing each person space to grow and outgrow is an essential need in cultivating strong relationships. If you only hang onto people who only come around when you’re doing well and disappear when you’re not doing well—it’s possible you’re dealing with energy vampires who feed on your success to boost their self-esteem. The reverse can also apply. Before reacting, ask yourself, “Have I only befriended people because of their accolades, financial statuses, or my personal benefit?” Maybe even consider writing down what you value in your current friendships and relationships. Outgrowing people is natural and inevitable. Finding a balance between mutual benefit, loving like-minded individuals, and finding people who challenge us is the ideal situation. It’s all up to what we seek and what our core values are if these people are in alignment with our values. That’s why I ask every client what their top values are. Once we know our top values we can better assess our relationships and decisions to love our lives.
Social Media
Oh, good-ole social media. If I could insert the eye-roll emoji here I would. Social media is something I have a love/hate relationship with. I love that we have the ability to make our social media whatever we want, and I hate it for the same reason. People only post the best parts of themselves. Most people don’t even look like their photos on social media on a daily basis. Very seldomly do people share true authenticity. I mean if you have a business like Seth Godin, most times there is a strategy behind it. That is not to shame anyone or anyone’s business. It’s called marketing. Sometimes, we struggle to share with our loved ones our most vulnerable parts, so why would we have this unfeasible expectation with those we follow? Sounds like a pretty fair question to me.
Comparing our business success, beauty, or relationships to the vanity metrics of likes, comments, and number of followers from other major accounts is what feeds our self-esteem co-dependency. So I would suggest doing a complete overhaul of the accounts you follow. Set time limits on your time spent online. Stop worrying about the algorithm and stop engaging with freeloaders, negative commenters, and anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. And if you can’t do those things, maybe ask yourself, “Do I really need social media?”
Now, it’s your turn. How is your self-esteem and is it co-dependent on the outcomes of your accomplishments? Feel free to book a discovery call with me if you want to chat about this one. We all know these things can be complicated and maybe it falls under a different topic that I didn’t touch on this blog.
