Why Self-Care isn't the Answer

by Astrid Ferguson

I’m not sure how to begin this story without sounding mildly crazy. So I will create a scene instead:

Imagine you are on a Safari tour. Yes, close your eyes and imagine yourself in that Ace Ventura roadrunner truck with the little doors and the hot scorching sun beaming on your forehead.

Can you feel the sweat trickling down your spine?

Smell the lovely dung aroma of the various animals (lions, zebras, and any other real or fictitious animals you can think of) around you.

Now, imagine this Safari is in Africa. Yes, just like the tours in the brochures.

Now let’s set the scene, shall we?

ACTION

The jeep stops near a swamp. Just roll with me here, this is a fake jungle. We skipped the dry grass and all that and went straight to the swamp. Back to the scene.

The swamp is far enough that you feel at ease and can still see the hippos and alligators laid out. Can you see the lions drinking water from your peripheral vision? The driver says (with an African accent), “You are welcome to get out the jeep and take some pictures. We just ask that you do not venture off too far because the lions are very fast and we are in the jungle after all.”

Internally you say, “I’m staying in the jeep I have a long lens I can attach to my camera. I can just stand and capture some really good shots that will seem like I was dangerously close in proximity.”

Your anxiety says, “If you get out the jeep there’s a possibility the lions will think you’re lunch.”

You pull out your napkin to wipe off the sweat that is dripping from your forehead. It definitely feels like it got a few degrees hotter as the people around you start to get off the jeep.

You came on this tour with your annoying cousin, John. He thinks everything is a joke and plays too much.

RISING ACTION

John says, “I know we’re not staying in this car when all the action is out there, right?”

You say, “I think I will pass on the ‘action’ and just capture cool shots with my camera.”

John has no idea you have an anxiety disorder and it’s seriously important for people to respect your boundaries or you run the risk of having a full blown panic attack that comes on like the plague over your body.

So what does John do?

He opens the little jeep door you were leaning against that was keeping you from “all the action.”

That little door that served as safety between you and “the plague aka the panic attack.”

You didn’t notice he opened it because you were in full pro photographer mode.

He pushes you and you fall flat on your face.

While John thinks this is funny, you are damn near convulsing because you are no longer in the jeep.

CLIMAX

While John is having a good old time laughing at you for falling like a piece of lard, you notice the lions staring at you.

The whole jungle has now turned their eyes towards you.

You see a Hippo get out of the water.

The Hippo appears to be headed your way.

So naturally, you start yelling inside but your voice doesn’t make it out your throat.

John hasn’t noticed because he’s too busy laughing at you.

You begin telling yourself, “This scene isn’t real; I’m having a panic attack and the hippo doesn’t even know I’m here.”

Except for one thing.

The Hippo has now started charging towards you and the lions are beginning to gather.

You’re about to witness a live hunting spree.

The people start running towards the jeep and you still can’t feel your legs.

So you are stuck there, frozen stiff.

TIME OUT

Now this story can go a few ways. The Hippo can stomp you to death. The lions can begin having a feast with you and everyone in the jeep. This also could be a figment of your imagination, as the protagonist in this story “you” has an anxiety disorder. Either way, John in this story, violated your boundaries. If you happen to survive this scene self-care will not cure the emotional imbalance “you as a character” will experience.

And while this could all be a fictitious story, how many of us feels like the world treats us like annoying cousin, John?

How many of us feel like everyone is just laughing at our mayhem?

Boundaries Over Self-Care

This didn’t become clear to me until I was listening to Unlocking Us Podcast with Brene Brown, Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Which by the way, she has a hippo in her story too! He-he! We spend so much time emphasizing on self-care and not nearly enough time on setting boundaries. This becomes very apparent in situations where the parties involved are people we care about, or we have a mental health condition we choose to conceal. In this case, the protagonist, never shared he/she had an anxiety disorder with his/her cousin, John. Chances are he/she didn't share that with anyone else besides his/her doctor.

Setting boundaries and why we struggle setting them is something I talk about in our latest episode in Call Your Sister podcast (shameless plug).

Now let’s rewrite this script. Tell me how you would write a new scene if “you” the protagonist in this story would have set your boundaries. Ready?

Take Two

Just in case you missed it, that was the que to re-write the scene in the comments. You know, just in case my make-believe movie clapper wasn’t loud enough ha-ha.