Why We Grow Comfortable Choosing Fear

by Astrid Ferguson

Oh the F-word!!! No, not that one, the other F word. FEAR is such a bad mama jamma. I would call her the b-word, but the truth is, she hits hard. I mean she has a mean sucker punch (when I say “she,” I mean figuratively—feel free to replace “she” with any pronoun that best applies to you). It’s like watching Mayweather fight. Before you go off on me, “Money Mayweather” as we called him, was the best defensive fighter. He didn’t take many punches but getting through his combinations was one hell of a task.

That is how I feel fear shows up in our lives. We try to punch through its walls, but for some reason, that wall just gets more intransigent. So what do we do? We grow comfortable hanging things on it—throwing cute wallpaper on it and pretending it’s part of our everyday decor. The following are just a few of the ways we keep decorating the fear wall and grow comfortable choosing it as our daily decor.

WE GROW Complacent in Jobs We Hate

Oh yeah, baby! We’ve all been here. How many of us use the phrase, “It pays the bills” when people ask us to describe what we like about our jobs? Come on! It’s okay—be honest with me. We leave our homes to spend 40-plus hours at a job we hate, simply because we do it well. Sure, it pays the bills and provides us with some peace of mind. It provides us with some type of lifestyle.

But when you sip that cold-brewed iced tea or coffee and exhale, what really crosses your mind? Is it that business idea or creative thought you can’t shake? Is it the little annoying voice that says, “I’m bored to death!”? Maybe you imagine yourself traveling the world. Maybe you love playing tablas, decorating houses, or drawing. However, you won’t build the guts to take a chance on trying that business idea. You won’t take out a loan and open that boutique you always dreamed of. Why? Because someone told you it doesn’t pay the bills. You are scared of failing. So you believe what everyone else tells you to do instead of following your instincts. Have you ever asked yourself, “what if this passion of mine could pay the bills?” Would you still choose the comforts of fear?

WE THINK Anything Outside Of our Norm is Bad

Can you count the number of times someone prejudged someone else based on their appearance, lifestyle or beliefs? Shoot, we are in the middle of that right now with this election. This is not a post to argue if you should be conservative right or radical left-wing. The point is that you’re only as strong as what you do with your beliefs. Instead of spending so much time judging someone because their beliefs differs from yours, would you ever consider shifting your perspective? Let me put it like this: Do you always need to put the cheese over your cheeseburger patty? Can you put it on the bun and put your patty on top? Would that damage your cheeseburger? What if you tried dancing more or not planning every vacation? Do you always need to know every step before you raise your foot to kick ass? Does doing something in a different order make someone else’s beliefs wrong or make them a bad person? Is it possible that you have grown comfortable in fear of traditional norms that no longer bring you or those around you, joy? Ohhh! Yeah, I know those questions may push a button or two and you are likely saying, “Who does she think she is? She doesn’t know me!”

And…

You’re right! I don’t know you. You have every right to react in a defensive way. However, do you even know yourself? That is the question that fear keeps you from answering. It keeps you from knowing who you truly are—who you are capable of becoming if you stepped into your true potential. It keeps you from letting go of what others tell you you should be.

We Don’t Want to Own Our Ugly

Oh when I read this in You are a BADASS by Jen Sincero, I was like, “whew that one is the one.” Many of us don’t own our ugly. Our insecurities keep us comfortable in fear. Plenty of times we perceive our ugliness in others. We say we don’t like someone because, in reality, they are a mirror image of something we don’t like in ourselves. Sometimes it’s an ugly reaction because they are doing something we wish we had the courage to do. Yes, jealousy is still a real thing. We all experience it in some form. And man, is it U G L Y!

I know I have been crippled by fear. It keeps me from doing more videos on my social media accounts. I start picking at everything I dislike about myself. It keeps me from starting something new because I am afraid of the reaction others will have to my product—all because I am afraid others will see that I suffer from a lack of confidence or a lack of believing in myself sometimes. I am afraid they will call me a fraud. Man, those thoughts ugly, aren’t they?

How Can YOU Outgrow Fear?

Well, it would mean admitting that we are not perfect beings. We aspire to be perfect, but perfectionism is elusive. There is no such thing. No matter how much we try, we are human beings.

There are no right or wrong answers—only what brings you joy. I mean, look at your body makeup. Ever wonder why one foot is bigger than the other? Or, for the gals, why one boob is larger than the other? You are not perfectly symmetrical, so why would you expect that of yourself or anyone else for that matter? It is the ugliness that keeps us comfortable sitting in the lovely “I’m not good enough,” fear-based couch. And boy is it comfortable; isn’t it? I mean the pillows are perfectly fluffed and the cushions just caress your butt cheeks.

So no wonder we continue to lie with fear. Now there are plenty of other excuses keeping us comfortable in fear (cultural norms, traumatic situations, and unforeseen circumstances). The list can get lengthy. However, I challenge you to think of the areas in your life where you choose fear over joy. How can you start pivoting? How can you start choosing what you want to do instead of what you think you should do? Fear is not always your enemy. It is a completely normal response and healthy in situations where you require immediate protection. However, how do you outgrow choosing to sit with it every time? How can you begin acknowledging your fears and choosing to side with joy instead?

Share with a friend and remember if this is something that sparks some really nasty thoughts, schedule a free discovery call and let’s chat about it. What do you have to lose?